Therapist Book Review: Black Widow
Do you remember the last “normal” thing you did this year before Covid-19 hit?
The last thing I did before the shut-down was go to author Mary Beth Keane’s (author of Ask Again, Yes) talk at the Ridgewood Public Library. I went to support the library and the author, but I definitely sat at a distance from anyone around me.
Mary Beth Keane acknowledged the coming pandemic and the timing of her event, and said she was glad anyone showed up since we all had a feeling that stay-at-home orders might be coming soon. She mentioned some peers who had books released the week of 9/11 in 2001, and acknowledged the difficulty for authors who had books being released right now, with this major unprecedented attention-grabbing pandemic going on.
Well, Black Widow: A Sad-Funny Journey Through Grief for People Who Normally Avoid Books with Words Like “Journey” in the Title by Leslie Gray Streeter came out in March of 2020, right when the pandemic started. This book is excellent, and I’m sure Covid-19 has adversely affected its reception, so after you read this blog post, please go and read Leslie’s book.
Leslie is a writer whose husband Scott died one night very unexpectedly. It’s a poignant memoir detailing all the messy parts after your loved one dies. Books like this help grievers feel less alone, but also help non-grievers understand more fully what grief is like.
Leslie’s writing about her “journey” (ha) is descriptive. She tells the agonizing parts so well, but also somehow adds a great deal of humor to her storytelling. (The grief cake, the unexpected wisdom from Tom Cruise, shopping for your husband’s funeral, explaining permanence to a toddler, and more.)
This book not only covers Scott’s death and Leslie’s life after, but it provides plentiful background of their experiences growing up Black and Baptist (her) and White and Jewish (him) in Baltimore, their love story in their late 30s/40s, interfaith and interracial aspects of their relationship, their struggle to become parents, and their process of adopting Brooks, their son. He was placed with them as a foster care arrangement for about two years before Scott’s death, and then the book ends with the finalization of Leslie’s adoption of Brooks the year after Scott’s death.
I am a social worker who worked in the adoption world for a few years, so I have to say a few words about this topic. Although there are of course benefits to adoption, there is also grief and loss associated with being a birth parent, being an adopted person, and being an adoptive parent. Leslie portrays the experience of all members of the adoption circle so respectfully. From discussing the minutiae of the home studies to the original vs. revised birth certificates, Leslie writes beautifully about the complexities of the experience for people whose lives are touched by adoption.
As a current grief therapist, I also want to address therapy in this book. On the cost of therapy, Leslie wrote:
“Is there a better investment than your mental health?” asks my mother, a mental-health professional I should probably listen to.
Leslie writes about the benefits of having a supportive therapist when you’re grieving a loved one’s death. One example includes how Leslie’s therapist helped her accept it’s ok to be angry at her husband for dying. The therapist also discussed the importance of Leslie telling Brooks, in explicit terms, that Daddy is dead, to both clearly explain to him as well as to help Leslie herself process the reality. I’m glad Leslie was able to have the benefits of a good therapeutic relationship through this post-death time.
Before Leslie found this therapist, there were several therapists who didn’t call her back. It bothered her, just as it bothered me to read it, because, as she writes, “if there’s any population that deserves a call back, it’s people looking for therapy.” Therapists, let’s do better!
One final note - I borrowed the audio version from the library first and liked it so much I bought the hardcover for my professional bookshelf. The audio is a fantastic experience, read by Leslie herself. Her narration seems to make the funny parts even funnier and the sad parts even more heartfelt. Go read this book!
“... everyone is singing and cheering and I’m laughing so hard I can’t separate the happy tears from the sad ones, so I take them all together and hope I don’t drown in them.”
Leslie Gray Streeter’s book Black Widow can be found through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Check out her website.